A lesson from my parents on being authentic: Know your story, be yourself and thrive in life2/15/2023 Authenticity is one of those buzzwords that used to make me cringe. Various ‘experts’ often used the term, and it felt more like a gimmick than an actual concept I could practice. Authenticity was also most talked about in relation to work, which felt inauthentic. Most people I know from varied backgrounds don’t feel comfortable bringing their whole selves to work, and for a good reason. In some cases, it could be dangerous. ‘Authenticity at work’ seemed like an oxymoron.
But in the last couple of years, it became clear that the next part of my life must be lived more authentically, especially in work environments. I understand my privilege of not being in dangerous environments, and I needed to honor myself and others by showing up as all of me. Becoming a fully integrated person and embracing all of myself, makes me a better wife, friend, family member, and leader. I started the journey of becoming authentic by looking into my personal journey. I was raised in the rural South of the United States, where racial integration was slightly taboo. Most of my friends were white, and even though middle and high school were prime times for starting a dating life, my friends and I wouldn’t dare date across racial lines. They were all Christians or Christian adjacent, as was my family, but none of us attended each other’s places of worship. We all liked Southern food, but rarely did we invite each other over to share a meal. We were intelligent and in advanced courses throughout high school, but we didn’t like the same books, activities, or music. I was a part of a friendship group, but our friendships couldn’t deepen against the social backdrop of our city. There was also the issue of not ‘fitting in’ with the few black kids in my community. They were wary of me, the young black girl who lived in a big house in a white neighborhood, read in the halls, spent time with mostly white kids, and was liked by all (primarily white) teachers. They didn’t consider me ‘black enough,’ and beyond a small stint in middle school, when I was accepted by a couple of black girls who found out I liked ‘trap’ music, other black students had no interest in me. And then, I went to college and found an even more frustrating truth. I was too different from most students of any racial, ethnic, or social background, and although I loved learning and was liked by professors, my college experience was not as exciting and freeing as I had hoped. Luckily my parents were pretty strict about dignity. The foundation of my confidence and my ability to thrive in any environment was the idea that I was to treat everyone with respect, value everyone, and do what was right. In turn, they made it clear that I had the right to expect (and sometimes demand) dignity in return. That standard of dignity helped me accept myself even if I wasn’t entirely accepted by the people I encountered. While accumulating life experiences, I found my ‘tribe’ and, as an adult, was embraced for who I am. Unfortunately, not all of my work experiences followed suit, which is why I am doubling down on being authentic at work. It’s time that I started expecting my work environment to embrace me. Over my lifetime, I have watched my parents make mistakes, course correct, triumph, and grow, all while loving and supporting their children who are doing the same. They are never apologetic about their interests, their blackness and its many forms, their religion, or their expressions of creativity. These two people taught me the power of curiosity and knowledge, the importance of thinking for myself, the magic of music, and the joy of dancing. My parents belong anywhere they are, simply because they are human and have the right to expand into the people they want to be. So do I. So do you. It’s time we all start to look inward so we can live and do work that reflects who we are. How do we do that? I don’t have all the answers, but I know it starts with learning more about ourselves and practicing what is most authentic to us every day. “Know thyself” How can you reveal more about yourself, harness your gifts and talents, and share more of the real you with your family, friends, and colleagues? Here are some of the ways I started this process.
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In the U.S. and Germany (both my homes), it is Black History Month and this month, my goal is to continue reflecting on ways to change workplaces that don't work for everyone.
When reflecting on my own experience as a Black American woman, so much of my life experience is privileged. Just the idea that I, a Black woman from the rural American South, was able to move to Germany and make the transition from an American corporate workplace to a German corporate workplace, without needing to learn the German language and without needing to ‘start over’ in my career, goes to show how nuanced privilege can be. But when I look at some of the issues faced in the workplace for Black people in America and Black people in Germany, I see some of the same problems, namely the lack of Black and other People of Color in Senior Leadership roles. Although tech startups are booming right here in Berlin and the need for a diverse set of experiences included at the top are needed to create a strong business, the profile of the majority of founders and Senior Leaders is still almost identical. In a world where technology is developed at what seems like an infinite rate, our options are vaster than ever, so diverse talent included in Senior Leadership to build products and provide services creates a more rich and connected employee and customer experience. But in the workplace system, as in social and political systems, there are flaws, allowing one group of people to emerge as dominant. A dominant group has power and privileges that control the value system and rewards in that particular system. Wherever there is a dominant group (not necessarily the majority), they build the system, run the system, and the system benefits themselves and those who fit their profile. It’s how humans in many places operate in macro and micro terms, which means the behavior could be described as typical, but the effect is far from benign. The individuals who don’t fit the profile in that system begin to mold into a shape that isn’t their own to contribute their skills. Talented people subdue their authenticity to fit in. When that happens, we lose the richness of the diversity of the individual that we so desperately need in our workplaces. By the time they may be up for the senior promotion (which is rare), they have worked hard to be more like the dominant group profile than themselves. Our workplaces need to change to send the message that no one has to mold themselves into a model to be valued and that development and leadership are not only for a select few who are more alike than different. But how do we change the workplace system to send that message? I think we start with the basics of dignity and build our systems, programs, policies, and processes from there. Anywhere along our journey, when we interact with human beings (advertising to customers, providing customer service, giving feedback to employees, working in teams), we include as many voices as needed to ensure we have considered the best way to value, respect, and treat that person or group of people ethically. Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging (DEIB) fits perfectly into a system built on dignity. This work becomes the next stepping stone, codifying dignity and ensuring all experiences are respected and included in the system at different job levels and across functions. Building systems based on dignity also allows us to create clear values with the corresponding behaviors (with accountability) so DEIB work is not superficial or in vain. If we say we respect you, we learn how to pronounce the names of our colleagues correctly. If we say we value you, we don’t build systems that lack transparency which helps to create inequities. If we treat everyone ethically, we don’t make or sell products that are culturally appropriated. Someone once said to me that when you are the person in the room that people listen to, you have the power at that moment, which means it is your job to adjust to your audience. That is because the person with the most power or influence in the room sets the tone. For anyone in that position, that tone should be rooted in dignity. That tone should be about including others and opening your mind and heart to learn how your behavior impacts the people you influence. And when people see you embracing who they are and what they represent and not rewarding those who fit themselves into tiny boxes to be like you, you become a leader that is changing a system and you help develop others into leaders that do the same. Black History Month focuses on the Black experience and highlights the unique and singular experiences of a resilient group of people. It is also about embracing all humans to enrich the world, and how dignity for all humans everywhere changes the systems we operate in. I am striving to transform workplaces into systems full of dignity for everyone. Won’t you join me? A few years ago, I experienced a panic attack and almost lost control of the car I was driving, putting myself and those driving around me in danger. This attack came on after a meeting with a leader at a former organization that left me feeling devalued, deflated, and abused. This wasn’t the first time I had been treated poorly in the role, but it would be the last. It had been two years, and my mental health was declining. It was past time for me to make a change.
And change I did. I quit, with no prospects for a new job, only prospects for a better life, and that was more than worth it. Luckily enough, I landed on my feet, but I couldn’t help but think I wasn’t the only one dealing with the effects of an unhealthy workplace. As I talked to friends and family, I realized that most of us, at one point or another, have dealt with behaviors at work that negatively impact our personal lives. Working is a part of the human experience, and most of us are OK with this setup. In some cases, we find meaning and purpose in our work and are happy to contribute. In others, we are just looking to pay the bills. No matter the reasons we work, working in unhealthy environments should not be a certainty. Workplaces can and should be safe places for people to do good work together. Every bit of research on workplace cultures is clear; poor behaviors create toxicity. Every day, poor behaviors reduce the dignity of many people, especially those traditionally unheard, unseen, and underrepresented in leadership. When left unchecked and unchanged, these behaviors turn people into casualties. But we know all of this, right? So what do we do? I am no psychologist, but I believe many of the tenets of a healthy relationship apply in marriage/partnerships, friendships, family relationships, and working relationships. Below are some areas we can all reflect upon and change in to help build better workplaces. Psychological Safety Psychological safety — the belief that one can speak up without the risk of punishment or humiliation — is critical to building healthy relationships of all kinds. Creating this safety at work is one of the primary responsibilities of leaders. Jean Marie DiGiovanna has six questions to help create psychological safety for teams:
Boundaries Simply put, boundaries are what is ok and what is not ok (Brené Brown). Everyone should be allowed to express their boundaries and have them respected. I also believe boundaries set up the right amount of closeness and distance required for all relationships to thrive. Work should not permeate our lives in an inextricable way — we all deserve some space. Questions for leaders and employees to ask themselves:
Mutual Recognition We must have our contributions valued and recognized — leader to employee, employee to employee, employee to leader. Questions for leaders and employees to ask themselves:
Accountability We need to become accountable and hold ourselves responsible for how we treat our colleagues. If we make mistakes, we own them and apologize — leader to employee, employee to employee, employee to leader. Questions for leaders and employees to ask themselves:
Clear and transparent communication: Clarity is kind. We have to talk to each other and our teams about what is going on with us as people and with our work. Not sharing or sharing incomplete information causes tension and missed opportunities to support each other. As leaders, creating clarity for teams on the work they do and why it matters is essential. As team members, asking for clarity is just as important. Questions for leaders and employees to ask themselves:
This post is more than just an examination of what we can do better and how. Hopefully, it helps make a case for why we need to do better right now. "I learned early that you only have so much energy to give. You have to spend it correctly.” — Eva Gabor
Every year brings an opportunity for companies to rebuild a workplace environment where work is focused and people are flexible. Long gone should be the days of unproductive meetings, teams working on items that are no longer relevant, managers living in crippling indecisiveness, and individuals trying to maintain rigidity in their roles. This is why I think every year should be the year of managing energy. The better we become at creating clarity, getting organized and staying flexible, the more successful our teams will be at managing collective energy and performing better together. Here are some ideas to help you and your teams manage their energy:
I pose, that the above will not only put order to the work of the team, but will also help reduce the following energy-draining activities in your workplace:
Of course, managing a team and delivering work can be complex when balancing business, team, and individual needs. Very few decisions are simple and it can be hard to know how to make the ‘right’ next move. Hopefully, the above ideas will help you carefully consider what your teams do and how they do it so you can all feel that your collective energy is well spent. "Culture is about what makes us healthy.” — Alice Walker.
When I heard Alice Walker make the above comment in an interview, she was speaking about the contribution of art to a healthy society. As I turned over her words in my mind, I knew they applied to the workplace. Every company has a culture, and the root of that culture will determine that company’s overall health. Many companies can be financially successful for a period of time, even while the interactions between humans are full of behaviors that cause frustration, pain, and even trauma. But eventually, leaders will be forced to deal with the many ways people are harmed in the company they lead. To determine what causes a workplace to be unhealthy, they have to look at the foundation. Core to every human is the need to believe we are valued and respected. We all want to be treated with dignity. Dignity is about respecting who we are, valuing our humanity, and being treated ethically. Dignity is fundamental to well-being and to human and organization thriving, and it is the core to creating safe and healthy work environments. When the behaviors displayed at work are not aligned with dignity, and there is no intervention to stop these behaviors, workplaces become unhealthy and even toxic. When we work in a place where dignity is not the foundation of human interaction, we become defensive, are sometimes on the attack, and expend a lot of emotional energy. In unhealthy work environments, we have to fight every day to remind ourselves of our humanity and the humanity of others. This not only reduces our ability to have a good experience at work but also in life. We take the feelings of being devalued and disrespected everywhere we go. We talk about it constantly with friends and family. The quality of our lives is diminished. With dignity at work intact, we get to work excited, ready to do our best work and contribute to the teams we work with. We are not in competition, and we work collaboratively in diverse teams where everyone’s experience and contributions are seen as valuable. Where there is dignity, we all hold each other accountable and operate by what I like to call ‘The Dignity Standard,’ where our thoughts, words, and actions align with a shared value system. The Dignity Standard is the idea that every interaction with every human is based on dignity. Whether it’s walking into the office and acknowledging the presence of the person fixing the front door or creating a marketing campaign that will reach millions to sell a product, any time we are interacting with people, in any format, we start with dignity. In general, dignity is fundamental, and treating others with dignity seems easy, but the ways we can disrespect and devalue others can be complex. In my career, I have worked across continents with people from all over the world, and I can tell you that what one person sees as devaluing can sometimes not even be on the value scale for someone else. And in my experience, as people become managers, they can forget what it was like to be without the power of managing others. They become a part of a cohort with a different set of concerns. They rarely become the manager they always wanted, usually taking on the behaviors and actions of their managers and peers. Creating dignity in the workplace has to be intentional, everyone’s intention, for there to be a chance at creating a sustainable healthy work environment. But how do we get to the nuance of what it means to treat everyone we encounter with dignity? Here are some questions I believe we can ask ourselves to help self-reflect and correct our behaviors.
Generally, these questions are for everyone at every level in an organization. I do not believe leaders or managers are the only sources of behavior modeling. We are all responsible for how healthy our workplaces are, and we all deserve to come to work and be treated with dignity all the time. Let’s take the time to reflect on our behaviors to ensure dignity is the foundation of every human interaction. Let’s start anew. |
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